You know the drill by now—fight, flight, or freeze. These are the holy trinity of threat responses we’ve been taught to recognize. But what if I told you there’s a fourth response that’s been hiding in plain sight, one that might explain why you find yourself saying “yes” when every fiber of your being wants to scream “no”?

Meet the fawn response: the art of becoming irresistibly appealing to whatever threatens us.

Psychotherapist Pete Walker didn’t just coin this term, he illuminated a survival strategy that millions of us have been unconsciously perfecting since childhood. When fight feels dangerous, flight feels impossible, and freeze feels futile, we fawn. We become charming, accommodating, essential. We make ourselves so valuable to the threat that it would be foolish to harm us.

Are you a Chronic People Pleaser?

Here’s what’s fascinating from a neurobiological perspective: research shows that chronic people-pleasing actually rewires our brains. The anterior cingulate cortex, which processes social pain, becomes hyperactive in those with people-pleasing tendencies. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex—our center for rational decision-making—shows decreased activity when we’re in fawn mode. We literally think less clearly when we’re trying to be more appealing.

The fawn response isn’t weakness; it’s intelligence. It’s a brilliant adaptation that likely kept you safe when you were small and powerless. Perhaps love felt conditional on your compliance. Maybe peace in your household depended on your ability to read the room and adjust accordingly. Your nervous system learned that survival meant becoming indispensable through agreeability.

But here’s the paradox: the very strategy that once protected you can become the thing that traps you.

In adult relationships, fawning can create a cruel irony. The more you accommodate, the less you’re truly seen. The more you anticipate someone’s needs, the less they learn to consider yours. You become a supporting actor in your own life story, always adjusting your performance to match someone else’s expectations.

Anxiously Attached People Fawn More

Studies on attachment styles reveal that those with anxious attachment—about 20% of the population—are particularly susceptible to fawning behaviors. The fear of abandonment creates a feedback loop: you over-give to prevent loss, which can actually push people away or attract those who are comfortable taking without reciprocating.

The most insidious part? Fawning feels like love. It feels like care. It feels like the right thing to do. Your nervous system floods with relief when you successfully appease someone, reinforcing the pattern. But relief isn’t the same as genuine connection.

Breaking Codependent Habits

Breaking free from the fawn response isn’t about becoming less kind or less considerate. It’s about recalibrating your internal compass to distinguish between generous love and survival-mode appeasing.

It’s learning that disappointing someone occasionally doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you a whole person. Here’s where the real work begins: training your nervous system to tolerate the discomfort of someone else’s displeasure without immediately rushing to fix it. This isn’t about becoming selfish—it’s about becoming selective. It’s about learning to say no as an act of integrity, not rebellion.

Research from Dr. Brené Brown’s work on boundaries shows us that the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried. They understand that sustainable relationships require honest limits, not endless accommodation.

The path forward starts with small experiments. What if you paused for three seconds before automatically saying yes? What if you started sentences with “Let me think about that” instead of immediate agreement?

If your nervous system has been practicing the fawn response for years (or decades), remind yourselt to be patient as you teach it new moves.

Remember: each time you choose authenticity over accommodation, you’re literally rewiring your brain, which means your capacity for healthy boundaries will grow stronger with practice.

Want to heal from a breakup or break toxic relationship patterns?

Check out Renew Breakup Bootcamp – a 4 day luxury retreat to help you reclaim your power, transform heartache into insight, and create space for the love and life you deserve.

A few months ago, I found myself sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, running late to meet my friend, “Sarah” for dinner. 

As I inched along the highway toward her neighbourhood (45 minutes from mine), a familiar pattern started to crystallize.

Every dinner with Sarah followed the same script: I’d suggest getting together, she’d pick a restaurant near her place, and I’d battle cross-town traffic to meet her there.

After years of friendship, I couldn’t remember a single time she’d offered to come to my neighborhood, or even meet somewhere in between. 

During our dinner, I decided to be direct:

“I love catching up but I’ve noticed I’m often the one who has to initiate. Can you organize the next meetup somewhere in-between?”

She agreed, “Of course!”

Three months passed without a word from her.

Here’s what I learned:

• Sometimes we don’t notice relationships are one-sided until we stop doing all the work
• If you are the glue holding a relationship together, resentment will build
• There’s a difference between a blip and a chronic pattern. People who habitually take and do not reciprocate will continue behaving that way

When Sarah finally did reach out, it wasn’t to catch up – it was because she needed something.

That’s when I realized: this wasn’t really a friendship – it was a pattern of convenience. For her.

Today, I have a simple rule: 

I match energy. If someone consistently shows they won’t meet me halfway – literally or figuratively – I take note and adjust my investment accordingly.

Question for you: 

Are there any one-side relationships in your life? What would happen if you took you foot off the gas pedal? 

PS: You can read this blog that discusses what causes us to overgive. Also, you can learn more about relationship patterns in my book “Breakup Bootcamp.” Check it out here.

Millions have now binged Nobody Wants This on Netflix (including me), and the show’s wild success highlights what women are craving in their relationships.

If you haven’t seen it yet, Nobody Wants This is a rom-com inspired by Erin Foster’s real-life love story. It follows an outspoken, agnostic woman (Kristen Bell) who unexpectedly falls for an unconventional rabbi (Adam Brody).

Here’s why I think this show has struck such a powerful chord: In a dating landscape filled with ghosting, breadcrumbing, and “keeping our options open,” we’re finally seeing a portrayal of what healthy connection and genuine emotional availability look like.

Think about the relationship narratives we’ve been fed for decades…

1. Mr. Big (Sex and the City) taught us that it’s normal (romantic, even) to chase someone who won’t commit.

2. Christian Grey (Fifty Shades of Grey) made us believe that control and manipulation were signs of passion.

3. The Duke of Hastings (Bridgerton) reinforced that the brooding, emotionally wounded man just needs the “right woman” to change him.

After a while, we start to believe these relationship fantasies as reality

These aren’t just TV characters—they’ve subconsciously shaped how we view love, what we expect from partners, and, sadly, what we’re willing to tolerate. When emotional unavailability is consistently portrayed as sexy and desirable, is it any wonder we sometimes mistake someone’s distance or inconsistency for chemistry?

This is exactly what I discussed with Sara and Erin Foster on their podcast. You can listen here:

1. How to Stop Choosing People Who Are Bad For Us – Listen on Spotify

2. The Breakup Episode – Listen on Spotify

Have you watched the show? Curious to hear your thoughts!

We’ve all heard the saying, “All you need is love.” But in my years of relationship coaching, I’ve learned an important truth: love alone isn’t enough to sustain a long-term, committed relationship.

To build and maintain a healthy partnership, we need more than just feelings of love. We need skills. Here are some crucial ones:

• Emotional Regulation: The ability to manage your emotions during stressful times. This means knowing how to emotionally regulate when triggered instead of stonewalling, punishing or attacking
• Conflict Resolution: Being able to repair after arguments, even if it means setting aside your ego and apologizing.
• Nurturing Intimacy: Understanding that intimacy in a long term relationship does not run on auto-pilot, and requires proactive effort to create connection both physically and emotionally.
• Communication: Expressing needs and limits in a constructive way

These skills don’t come naturally to most of us. They require learning, practice, and often unlearning unhealthy patterns we’ve picked up along the way. The good news is that we can develop these skills while in a relationship. The not-so-good news is that this requires both partners to be mutually invested in growing and learning.

However, if only one partner is carrying the emotional labor, initiating conflict repair, and working to improve relational skills while the other takes a back seat, the relationship is headed for trouble. When someone constantly walks on eggshells to avoid triggering their partner’s anger or withdrawal, they end up neglecting their own needs, creating an unsustainable and unhealthy dynamic.

Simply put, you can’t be the glue that holds the relationship together on your own.

Here are some signs you might be in this situation:

• You’re always doing mental gymnastics before addressing any relationship issue.
• Your needs are consistently deprioritized.
• You find yourself over-accommodating to meet your partner’s needs, while yours take a backseat.
• You overcompensate for your partner’s lack of effort.
• If you stopped pushing for connection, affection, or intimacy, there would be none.
• You’re the only one actively working on improving the relationship.

There’s a fine line where loving someone else starts to mean sacrificing the love you have for yourself.

At first, it’s a subtle shift—small compromises, little silences, tiny surrenders of your own desires. But over time, these accumulate into a mountain of self-neglect and resentment. Eventually, you might not even recognize yourself, as staying in the relationship erodes your sense of self-worth.

That’s when it’s time to make a change.

You need to assess whether your partner is truly willing to invest in the relationship—and if they have the capacity to do so. Intention alone cannot heal decades of trauma; it often requires professional help, a genuine commitment to change, and a willingness to prioritize self-work. But here’s the painful truth:

Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean they have the capacity or ability to be in a committed relationship with you.

This realization isn’t about giving up on love; it’s about recognizing that true love—both for yourself and for your partner—sometimes means letting go. A healthy relationship requires mutual effort, respect, and growth. This cannot be one-sided.

Here’s something to reflect on:

If you were in the exact same position 1 year from now today, how would you feel? How about 5 years from now?

What is the first thing you need to take action on, to ensure you do not end up in that situation?

I was leaving a marketing job when I started Renew and Heart Hackers. Once I’d made the decision that I was going to build the tools that I wished I had when I went through a life-changing breakup, I decided to focus on that… and only that… building and teaching.

But I also need to make sure that if I was going to throw myself into this full-time, I’d need to make sure I could support myself. It’s not just about scaling; it’s about doing so sustainably and smartly, ensuring that our core values and mission remain intact. To reach as many people as possible, I needed to offload the business operations and the marketing work. From the operations side, I started with an assistant and then began filling in more senior operational roles. Professionals to help me build the logistics for the first Breakup Bootcamp and I hired more junior freelancers to help me do the nuts and bolts of marketing, but it wasn’t until I hired a fractional CMO (he was in Vancouver at the time) to build the strategy, that I learned what scale looked like.

The nature of my business demands that I have a lot of free time for reading and research. Hiring a full-time CMO, while beneficial, didn’t seem like the most efficient move early on due to the fluctuating levels of commitment at different growth stages. The freelancers and fractional marketers offered a perfect solution by providing high-level marketing expertise on a part-time or project basis. This flexibility has allowed us to draw on diverse skill sets tailored to specific challenges or goals without the commitment of a full-time executive salary.

As a company mindful of our burn rate and keen on optimizing our resources, the cost-effectiveness of fractional CMOs has been a game-changer. We could invest in top-tier marketing leadership without the hefty price tag, directing saved funds towards product development, customer experience improvements, and scaling our operations. This approach has not only been economical but also efficient in driving our growth metrics upward.

Strategic Focus with Tactical Support

Initially, my concern with hiring a fractional was whether they could be as committed and integrated into our team as a full-time executive. However, this model has offered us strategic focus at the leadership level, coupled with the ability to scale up tactical support as needed. Fractional CMOs have worked closely with our other freelancers, transferring knowledge and strategies that build our internal capabilities while steering us toward our long-term vision.

My Path to Sustained Growth

The decision to incorporate fractional CMOs into our growth strategy has been pivotal. Not only have we benefited from high-level marketing expertise, flexibility, and cost savings, but we’ve also enriched our team with diverse perspectives and strategic guidance. As Hearthackers.com continues to evolve, the insights and agility provided by the team we’ve been cultivating will undoubtedly play a critical role in navigating the challenges and opportunities ahead.

Embracing freelance and fractional help has been more than a strategic decision; it’s been a growth catalyst, allowing us to stay nimble, innovative, and always aligned with our mission. To fellow entrepreneurs considering this path, my advice is to view it not just as a temporary solution but as a strategic approach to building a resilient, adaptable, and growth-oriented business.

I grew up in Vancouver–a city known for its dreary winter weather, but it wasn’t until recently that I made the connection between my sad moods in the winter and Seasonal Affective Disorder.

As the seasons change, bringing shorter days and colder nights, many of us can find ourselves feeling a little down. It’s more than just a dislike for winter’s chill or a longing for summer’s warmth; for me, it’s a profound shift in my mood and energy levels that can affect every aspect of my life.

This phenomenon, known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), is a type of depression that occurs at the same time each year, typically in the fall and winter, when the days become shorter and sunlight becomes scarce. It’s a time when the loss of a relationship can feel even more pronounced, as the isolation and introspection that often come with fall and winter deepen the sense of solitude.

SAD is more than just “winter blues.” It’s a real and serious condition that can significantly impact your daily life, affecting your energy, appetite, sleep, and mood. Symptoms may include feeling lethargic, losing interest in activities you once enjoyed, craving carbohydrates, gaining weight, and struggling to concentrate.

If you’re suffering from S.A.D., it’s worth talking to a mental health professional because there are a number of non-medical treatments that can make a real difference in your wellbeing. This is doubly true when the loss of a relationship is stacked on top.

Light Therapy

One of the most effective treatments for SAD is light therapy. Exposure to a light therapy box, which emits a bright light that mimics natural sunlight, can help regulate your body’s sleep-wake cycle and mood. Just a few minutes each day can lead to significant improvements. It’s a simple yet powerful tool in combating the effects of reduced daylight and can help lift your spirits by simulating the sunshine that’s missing during the long winter months.

Stay Active and Engaged

Exercise is a powerful mood booster. It releases endorphins, which have naturally antidepressant effects. Even when it’s cold and dark outside, finding ways to stay active is crucial. Whether it’s a brisk walk in the crisp winter air, a yoga session at home, or a visit to the gym, keeping your body moving can help alleviate the symptoms of SAD.

Don’t underestimate the power of connection. Engaging with friends and family, even if it’s virtually, can provide a significant emotional lift. Sharing your feelings, participating in social activities, or simply having a heartfelt conversation can remind you that you’re not alone.

Nourish Your Body and Soul

What we eat can also influence how we feel. A balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains can boost your energy levels and mood. On the other hand, the carbohydrate cravings that often accompany SAD can lead to overeating and weight gain, which can make you feel worse. While it’s okay to indulge in comfort foods occasionally, maintaining a healthy diet can help stabilize your mood and energy levels.

Seek Professional Support

If your symptoms are severe or don’t improve with lifestyle changes, it might be time to seek professional help. Therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), has been shown to be effective in treating SAD. A mental health professional can help you navigate some options and find the best treatment plan for you.

Embrace the Season

Finally, try to find joy in the season. This was crucial for me. While it’s cold and dark outside, winter can also be a time of beauty and reflection. By reframing the snow as an occasional thing of beauty instead of an inconvenience, I was able to get myself excited for the types of activities I could enjoy only when it was snowing. Embrace the coziness of the season by reading a good book, trying a new hobby (outdoors?!?!), or starting a gratitude journal. Finding things to appreciate about the winter can help shift your perspective and lift your mood.

Seasonal Affective Disorder can make the colder months challenging, especially when going through the emotions that come with exiting a relationship, but it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. With the right strategies and support, you can manage the symptoms of SAD and find joy even in the depths of winter. Remember, spring always follows winter, and brighter days are ahead.

During the pandemic, I moved from NYC to my hometown of Vancouver, Canada. I was eager to reconnect with my old community of friends once restrictions lifted. I’d coordinate dinners, host people in my home, and was the one who’d initiate plans.

For a while, I shrugged,

Oh, they’re busy. They have kids so it’s too hard for them to initiate. Or <insert excuse here>.

But I realized, even though they were not showing up in the relationship – I was holding on to the friendships because of history. This would leave me resentful and disappointed. I’ve learned that history alone, is not enough for someone to be in my life in the present and future.

Our relationships require nurturing.

I stopped over-performing in these friendships. I paused before impulsively trying harder to make plans happen. I told some friends how I felt and what I desired. A few stepped it up and our friendship has since grown. And with others, I’ve accepted that they’re no longer part of my inner circle, and that’s okay.

Here’s what I learned is the KEY to relationships: MUTUALITY.
 

Mutuality means there’s an interactive relationship between two people – a balance of energy and exchange. Without it, you’re in a one-sided relationship with someone who is not in a relationship with you.

Take an inventory of your one-sided relationships.

For the ones where you’re the only one investing, take a step back. Stop taking three steps to make up for their lack of steps. Communicate what you want and give people the opportunity to step up. If they don’t want to, then you have your data.⁣
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If you realize you do not make an effort with those you love – take action to nurture the connection. Initiate plans, send flowers, tell them how much you care… do something, anything, then passively wait for people to happen to you.⁣
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There is no such thing as not enough time. There is only what you prioritize as important enough for your time.

Invest wisely. Love fully. ⁣

There are a few questions I get asked repeatedly when it comes to dating and timing. I thought it’d be helpful to share some of these questions and answers.

When am I ready to start dating again (after a breakup/divorce)?

If you’re waiting for the moment where you wake up and suddenly feel 100% ready to date, the reality is, that day is not coming. 

You can still miss your ex, and a part of you might still feel sad about what happened. That doesn’t mean your heart is closed for business. There is no perfect timeline where the emotions from one relationship end in one neat and tidy finale.

Online dating is exhausting and I’m ready to give up. If it’s this hard, isn’t this a sign to stop?

To answer this question, I want you to think about that trip you’ve dreamt of taking. Let’s say it’s Bali. To get to Bali, you need to pack, go through customs, and fly a grueling overnight flight. Not to mention the 2 hours of traffic you’ll go through once you leave the airport. You take these steps because it takes you to your destination. You don’t expect it to be fun. You just do it as part of the process.

The same mentality needs to be applied to dating. You go on dates, you go through the ups and downs, and the commit to the process – because you’re doing it as a step to your ultimate destination which is your relationship goal (however that goal looks like is personal and unique to you).

So don’t stop because it’s hard and uncomfortable. It’s supposed to be. But do learn how to get more skilled in dating, because once you do, it becomes a lot more enjoyable and effective.

Dating is so hard at my age, in my city, <insert excuse here>

Dating is a skill. If you never learned how to do it, it can feel like navigating an obstacle course.

But you can learn the tools, psychology, and tried-and-tested methods that have helped thousands of others create healthy love.

It was straight out of a fairy tale.

Flowers. Fancy dinners. Proclamations of how special our connection was.

I was on cloud nine. Sold. I’m in. All in.

Until the messages were less frequent. Then the effort to make plans started to wane.

I found myself crawling out of my skin, waiting with bated breath for him to return my texts, see me, show me that he still cared. I started replaying our interactions if I did something wrong.

Maybe I showed too much interest? Maybe I texted too much? Was it my outfit from the last date? It must be me.

After two weeks of feeling completely anxious, I decided that it must be over and that I had lost my chance with Mr. Perfect. It was time to move on. I stopped texting or trying to make conversation.

And right when I began to pull away, guess who came back in full force?

It was like no time has passed. He was back, dying to see me. Showered me with sweet messages about how happy I made him, how much he missed me.

I was on cloud nine once again.

Until this cycle of hot/cold repeated 7 more times. I now recognize – I was love bombed.

What is love bombing?

Love bombing is the use of excessive affection, grand gestures, and promises for the future as a manipulation tactic. But right when you’re feeling high from all the love and attention, it’s followed by a period of withdrawal, avoidance, or abuse. You are then left wondering what you did wrong or get obsessive about getting that old feeling back.

Love bombing is used by narcissists, who feed off your validation. Once they get their fix – of attention, sex, affection, resources – whatever it is that they’re hungry for, they become cold, distancing, or even mean.

Signs you’re being love bombed

1. The intention is not about authentic connection, it’s to get something from you.

Love bombers use their romantic targets to give them their fix of validation and attention and to gain power over them.  The difference between healthy romantic overtures and love bombing is that the latter is used as a manipulation tactic. The intention is to exert and maintain control and power over you.

2. It’s not love at first sight; it’s projection at first sight.

During the first few dates, it’s impossible for someone to know you enough. The whole point of dating is to build trust and connection over time and experience. There’s no shortcut to that. Someone who barely knows you and makes statements about how you’re the one, or they make grand promises about your future together is a red flag.

3. They are hot and cold.

They come on strong, often with grand gestures such as lavish gifts, fancy dinners, and romantic words. But then they get cold, the daily communication wanes and sometimes they disappear completely. Then, right when you’re about to give up, they come back strong again to reel you back in the cycle of intensity.

4. They treat you like a “Conquest.”

I talk about the concept of ‘conquesting’ in my book, Breakup Bootcamp. I came up with this theory to describe when someone has a plan in their head, perhaps it’s to get a trophy partner, or they really want to get married by X age. They meet you, and if you check enough boxes, they plug you into their plan. You become a means to an end. In the process, they dehumanize you because you’re an object that they plug into their master plan. It’s not about connecting, getting to know you as a human – faults, and flaws included.

How to stop love bombing

1. Use boundaries to stop love bombing in its tracks.

If you’re starting off in a relationship and you notice they are coming on very strong with the romantic overtures, do not just react to the pace they are setting. Have a conversation to let them know that you want to slow things down, and get to know each other through time. If the person is invested in creating a healthy connection – they won’t try to rush you or pressure you into it.

2. Do not make them the center of your world (and schedule) before trust is built.

Don’t cancel on your friends. Don’t change your schedule around to see them. If you don’t have a schedule where you’re doing things that make you feel connected and grounded – you will be more susceptible to filling in the empty spaces with your new love interest. Instead of seeing someone on a healthy cadence, you start to see them 5 times a week. Before you know it, you’re consumed with all things to do with your beloved.

3. Do not outsource your validation to this person (or any romantic partner for that matter).

Yes, it feels amazing when someone sets eyes on you and makes you feel like you’re special, especially if they make it seem like they’re choosing you out of all the other options. The hunger to feel special and gain a sense of self-worth is candy to a narcissist.

I unlocked the secret codes of life, connected to my partner’s soul, and jumped dimensions alongside a teenage mutant ninja turtle, all in 57 minutes.

It sounds like a scene from an incoherent sci-fi movie, but no, it was what I experienced during my first time trying ketamine therapy. And it might have just shifted my life.

The journey before the journey

First, let me provide some context on why I would get ketamine administered through an IV drip in the first place. I’m no stranger to psychedelics, and I’ve had profound experiences using psilocybin in guided sound ceremonies in the past. I personally believe that psychedelic therapy can be a helpful way to help your subconscious mind connect the dots (I’m not referring to using psychedelics recreationally). But the psychedelic journeys I’ve tried in the past are not yet FDA-approved and were only accessible through hush-hush whispers of a friend who knows a friend.

When I found out that New York had a clinic offering ketamine therapy that was legal and provided with medical supervision, I was intrigued. While I consider myself generally an optimistic person, the last three years had dulled my shine. My anxieties about the future, not having enough, and not being enough were collecting like dust on a window sill.

When a friend told me about Nushama, I had an instant, full-body yes. One thing I’ve harnessed in the last decade is an extremely strong intuition, and I tend to follow the yes’s without question. After a medical assessment, conversations with the on-site doctor, and a pre-session with an integration therapist, I was ready.

The trip

Eye mask and headphones on, sitting in a zero-gravity chair, the IV drip was turned on by the nurse. My integration specialist guided me through deep breaths as I eased into my journey. And then I was in – like I was handed keys to the Matrix. The experience was much more feeling-based versus visual-based. I felt like I was in the POV of a video game player, unlocking different levels and dimensions of life. I zoomed out of the physical realm and I experienced my ‘self’ as my ‘soul’.

I realized that this life in the physical realm is but a game, and that we are all connected to something much bigger. I recognized that our souls are in another dimension watching our physical selves interact and engage, and to not take things so seriously. I experienced getting everything I’ve ever wanted, and felt a sense of knowing. The knowing that I am safe, I am abundant, I am connected.

There was a point where I wondered if it was fair – that I have so much abundance, and if others get that too. Then I saw a wall of women’s faces behind glass, as if they needed to break through it. And I recevied the message that I needed to continue helping others.

My partner’s soul visited me throughout different parts of my journey. I could feel him, the sense of home. There was a part where both our souls were playing up above, looking down at our physical form on Earth. We agreed to remember that in the times we fight or bicker, to remember how our souls are connected in another realm, and to tap back into that connection when we forget our way.

Post Ketamine Glow

I purposely cleared my schedule for the next two days so that I could bask in the post-ketamine glow. It’s been four days since my journey, and I feel present, mindful, and here. I notice the smallest details of my surroundings and feel constantly delighted. Things that typically annoy me make me giggle. When a judgemental thought comes up, I catch it, and gently set it aside and focus back on the present. I feel more connected, more open and the anxieties that have been weighing me down appear to have been lifted.

It’s like the soot that’s been collecting around my heart and soul has been wiped off, and I am more myself.

You are your own healer

I feel that ketamine therapy was a tool to help me move through some blockages that have been circling in my subconsious mind, but the work starts afterwards in integration. I am my own healer and the therapy helped provide a ‘boost’ but ultimately, it’s in the choices I make on a daily basis that create lasting change.

It’s extraordinairy that psychadelic therapies are being more accessible and available, but please consult with a doctor or medical professional before you try anything! These are powerful substances that require thoughtfulness and care, not to be done recklessley. I caution against doing these things recreationally.

Think about this for a moment: What if, when it comes to dating, what you don’t do matters more than anything else?

Let’s say you want to get into shape and adopt a healthier lifestyle.

To achieve this you not only need to workout regularly (To-do List), you also need to cut junk food off your diet (Not-to-do List).

Now apply the same principle to dating. 

To find your ideal partner you need to not only have clarity on what you are looking for in a relationship (To-Do List)  but also cut off toxic patterns that are stopping you from finding real love (Not-To-Do List).

Here are three “Not-To-Do” Rules that will change the way you date and remove the blockers stopping you from creating healthy love.

1. Do not make your dating life a soap opera for your friends

“ You involve 4378 people and their neighbors into your private life, then wonder why things go wrong” – Samy Dindane 

Remember the time you went on your first real date in 11th grade and it became national news in your friends’ circle?

We all fondly reminisce on the endless hours spent on  “Oooo..Tell me everything” that was followed by a minute second-by-second dissection of your date.

That’s cute. 

For a 16-year-old.

But you are not 16 anymore – so why are you still letting your friends use your dating stories as entertainment?

We all have coupled friends in our lives who want to know everything that’s going on in our dating life so that they can project, air their opinions, and judge your potential partners and choices. 

They might even get a rise out of feeling superior that they ‘know better’ just because they’re married. But what might have worked for them, doesn’t necessarily translate for you.

Your life is not a soap opera so stop broadcasting it to people who can use it for gossip and entertainment.

This doesn’t mean you can’t ever share or seek advice. Just be conscious of when you leak energy and are setting yourself up to be the butt of the joke.
Keep strong boundaries and only share with people you trust.

2. Do not have a “No Mentality”

I have coached hundreds of singles who emphasize that they are ready for a real relationship – but their actions speak otherwise.

These are the people who go on a lot of first dates but keep focusing on the imperfections of the person in front of them.

They are the ones who say they want a relationship but turn down setups from friends, people outside their ‘type’ and anyone who doesn’t fit into their romanticized idea of “The One”

But here’s the hard truth: “You had me at hello” doesn’t exist in real life, especially when it comes to relationships. It’s magical thinking, and it’s been distorting your reality since Cinderella to Love Actually to Bridgerton.

Making a checklist of the superficial qualities (ahem, height, money, profession, etc)  stems from a place of ego, and when you decide to vehemently stick to this dating list – you’re passing judgment on potential mates before taking the time to get to know them.

While you shouldn’t compromise your standards on being treated with respect, mutuality, and kindness, you need to definitely cast aside what’s called ‘present bias’. This refers to the tendency to optimize for qualities that matter in the short term, but actually don’t matter in the longer term.

The first step to shifting from a ‘no mentality’ is to say ‘yes’ to dates with people who are outside your typical type. It prevents you from prematurely judging and discarding people who could actually be a good fit!

 And it opens up the possibility for you to connect with someone based on their character and how well they treat you.

3. Do not expect that love will just fall into your lap

This one is for the die-hard romantic in all of us. Yes, you want the epic meet cute, but waiting for love to spontaneously strike is not an empowered approach to love. It’s a passive, wait for it to happen to me approach (if you can call it an approach at all).

It sounds simple, but the more people you’re exposed to, the more opportunities you have to access potential partners. You want to make sure you diversify the ways you meet people too.

Against dating apps? Did you know that 20% of current, committed relationships began online? 

Only use dating apps? Time to diversify. According to Bustle, approximately 39% of people meet their significant other through friends.

Ask friends to connect you to new people, say yes to invitations, sign up for dance classes or a workshop to learn a new hobby, go to a cafe by yourself and strike up a convo with a stranger…. Chances are you have not exhausted different avenues of meeting people.

Want to learn how to create a healthy relationship?

Join my Dating Mastery program where I’ll mentor you to create healthy love.

In an interesting paradox, heterosexual single men have been lonelier than ever whereas heterosexual single women are happier than their male counterparts.

Women aren’t settling anymore.

Psychologist Greg Matos caused a social media uproar in last month when he published an article on the rise of single, lonely men and a big contributing factor is the higher dating standards of women. Some findings in Dr. Matos shares:

• Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as relationship standards rise.

• Younger and middle-aged men are the loneliest they’ve been in generations 

While most welcomed the idea of women finally rooting for equitable relationships – for a selection of men, it was a hard pill to swallow. Some disgruntled comments on my YouTube video shed some light on the sentiment:

“Women are delusional in their standards.”

“Women, enjoy your crazy cat lady starter kits.”

“Women like her still complaining…”

Many men are triggered by the notion that women are raising their standards, and no longer tolerating poor communication skills and emotional unavailability. The suggestion that men do the work to improve their relational skills? Crazy! Delusional!

I’m surprised to see so many guys get so defensive (also don’t shoot the messenger – we’re sharing the data) as I’ve had hate comments on my Tik Tok and Instagram as well.  

Women aren’t demanding that men make more money or get better looking – they’re asking for men to step up their relationship skills. This is actually great news – because unlike superficial stuff like looks, height and wealth – relationship skills can be learned and developed. The best part – it’s free! 

If you are a man who wants to get a shot at real companionship, it’s going to take some investment in your relationship skills. Here’s a communication framework you can practice and build those EQ skills!

Practice constructive communication

Do you find your conversations escalating in intensity? Find yourself getting defensive or passive-aggressive? Try the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) method.

Developed by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., NVC is a framework that helps you communicate with empathy and connection, helping the conversation move forward versus repeating in circles. 

It uses a four-stage process of observation, identifying feelings, identifying needs, and making a clear request.

1. Observe the facts without judgment. State the facts, not your interpretations or assumptions. For example My event on Saturday started at 2PM and I sent you two reminders to arrive on time.

2. Describe how you feel using “I” language. For example, I felt sad when you didn’t come on time, especially because that was an important event for me.

3. Consider the unmet need. Feelings, such as anger and sadness reveal unmet needs, such as love, acceptance, connection, etc.

4. Make a clear request. Express a specific, doable request. You are stating a preference not making a demand. Don’t be vague. Instead of “Be more thoughtful!” you can say, “Would you be open to going together for the Thursday event so we can ensure we are there 15 minutes early?”

There are a whole host of tools you can learn to start developing your relationship skills. There’s no need to feel ashamed of where you’re starting out at. It’s not like they taught us this stuff in school. We learned how to dissect a frog before learning how to get in touch with our emotions, express them, and leverage healthy coping mechanisms. 

Developing these skills isn’t just for the sake of women, it’s for yourself. You’ll find a ripple effect in all of your relationships – from professional, platonic and romantic. There’s no doubt you can do it if you choose to invest the effort.

The question is, will you rise up to the challenge?

Can you Spot a Cheater? Apparently, there are 5 types of cheaters and very specific reasons why they stray. But first, let’s dig into a recent celebrity cheating scandal.

A match made in Victoria’s Secret heaven?

It seemed like Behati tamed the rockstar Adam Levine, who had once joked “I’ll never get married” during an interview on The Tonight Show. 

On the outside, it seemed like a picture-perfect marriage. They had three children, Adam would gush about his love for her: “She makes me the best person I can be.”

Who would have guessed years later the Maroon5 star would be caught in a cheating scandal amuck with cringey leaked text messages? According to the 5 categories of cheaters in the book CheatingLand, Adam Levine is textbook “Peacock”. 

The author (who kept his identity anonymous to protect the families he interviewed), interviewed over 60 married individuals who cheated on their partners. He found that adulterers fall under 5 distinct groups.

1. DEAD BEDROOMERS:

Dead Bedroomers make up the largest group of cheaters: married people who feel that their love life has come to a halt. They feel lonely, unfulfilled, and disconnected from their partner. They long to return to the relationship that was once full of spark and passion. 

They tend to have one outside partner that helps them satisfy their craving from a break from the routine and normalcy of their marriage. While they are remorseful of their escapades, to them, cheating is an answer to a problem. As long as they don’t get caught, it avoids confrontation and conflict. It means taking their sexual frustration and desire for novelty and stimulation – into their own hands.

2. PEACOCKS

The sad wounded Dead Bedroomer contrasts greatly with the strutting, swaggering, suave Peacock. The second largest group of cheaters, peacocks are gluttonous – they need validation over and over again that they’re sexy, seductive, and special. 

To Peacocks, cheating feeds them energy and boosts their ego – cheating reaffirms their power and sexual prowess. The adrenaline rush of sneaking around, and the risk of getting caught are all a part of the exciting charge that makes Peacocks feel alive. In an unconscious way, being the center of the drama is all a part of the exhilaration. 

They tend to have a high opinion of themselves but are also deeply insecure. They need validation from others constantly. They like to feel powerful and the challenge of a hunt. When choosing who to cheat with, they want someone who’s a challenge – someone who’s too ‘easy’ doesn’t have the same edge.

3. COMPLETERS

Out of all the types of cheaters interviewed in the book, Completers talked about how much they loved their partners the most. But despite their love, they feel they need a second relationship to feel fulfilled and complete. They are looking for a yin to their partner’s yang.

They have feelings and needs that are too intense for a single partner to fill, so they seek a second relationship to feel whole. 

Typically, completers choose lovers who have the opposite personality to their current partner. They do not see their affair partner as a fling. Instead, they develop a strong bond to set the foundation of their relationship.

4. REVENGE SEEKERS 

Revenge cheating is based on the quintessential idea of poetic justice. Give them a taste of their own medicine, they think.

They’re scorned, motivated by anger and resentment and vengeance is their idea of medicine. They cheat as a reaction to being cheated on. But sometimes they are taking revenge for some other relationship crime. To punish their partner, infidelity is weaponized. Sometimes they feel it’s the only way they can hurt their partner, and in a sense, gives them a sense of control.  

Revenge seekers are usually deep in pain, driven by rage and a need for payback. 

5. EMOTIONAL CONNECTORS

We tend to think of cheating primarily in terms of sexual encounters involving physical intimacy. BUT emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones. Emotional connectors have friendships that are sexually charged and extremely intimate. What may have started off as friendship crosses the line into something more.

While they’re not having sex, they’re engaging in other aspects of a romantic relationship. They’re sharing secrets, telling their affair partner things they wouldn’t tell their spouse, they’re keeping the true depth of the relationship hidden – because deep down, they know they’re crossing a line. 

Emotional affairs often happen without the two people realizing it. But after one seemingly innocent line is crossed, then another, and they find themselves entangled with their coworker, friend, neighbor…

DO ALL MEN CHEAT? DO ALL WOMEN CHEAT?

The exact number is hard to know, but some large surveys report that about 20-25% of men have cheated on their spouses, and 15-20% of women have cheated on their spouses. According to some more recent studies, the number of women cheating is increasing if you include emotional affairs.

Do men and women have different motivations for cheating? Make sure you subscribe to my newsletter as I’ll share the data in the next article. 

I remember so clearly a dinner party I hosted where a newer friend showed up two hours late with two uninvited guests in tow. To make matters worse, they didn’t bring anything to contribute to the party. Needless to say, I never invited her to another party. I doubt she was ill-intentioned, rather, she was clueless on basic etiquette. She likely would have benefited from reading a list of what NOT TO DO during holiday gatherings and dinner parties. Here you go, you’re welcome.

Holiday Etiquette: What NOT to do

1. Don’t bring uninvited guests. This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s worth mentioning because it’s a common mistake people make. If you’re invited to a dinner party, make sure to respect the host’s guest list and only bring along the people they’ve specifically invited.

2. Don’t go to a dinner party empty-handed. It’s always a good idea to bring something to contribute, whether it’s a bottle of wine, a dessert, or a small gift. This shows appreciation for the host’s efforts and helps to make the party more enjoyable for everyone.

3. Don’t show up more than 30 minutes late for a sit-down dinner. While it’s okay to be a little bit late, try to arrive within 15-30 minutes of the stated start time. This gives the host time to get everything ready and ensures that the dinner doesn’t get off to a late start.

4. Don’t bring up highly sensitive or personal topics at a group dinner. It’s important to be respectful of others’ boundaries and to keep the conversation light and enjoyable for everyone. Avoid bringing up controversial topics or asking inappropriate questions.

5. Don’t ask about someone’s relationship status or when they’re going to have kids. These types of questions can be intrusive and uncomfortable for some people. Instead, focus on getting to know people on a more general level and finding common interests.

6. Don’t stay past your welcome. It’s important to be gracious and thank your host for their hospitality, but it’s also important to know when it’s time to go. Don’t linger too long or overstay your welcome.

7. Don’t dominate the conversation. One way to avoid dominating the conversation is to actively listen to others and ask open-ended questions that encourage them to share more about themselves. This not only allows others to feel heard and valued, but it also helps to create a more balanced and engaging conversation for everyone involved.

Did I miss anything? Feel free to forward to Aunt Mary who might need an etiquette refresher.

Something happens in your 40’s – a series of shifts cause you to do a double take on what actually matters in a partner and in friends.

This may include:

• You choose to take care of a sick/aging parent
• More and more friends get cancer
• You lose someone you love – due to death, mental illness or simply growing apart
• You see friends getting divorced
• You get an autoimmune disease or some health issue that restricts your old way of life
• The generation after you makes fun of how you dress and you question if you’re now “old”
• You stop getting hit on
• You get the thing you’d been chasing your whole life, only to realize that  you’re still not fulfilled
• You fixate on zapping every wrinkle in a war to not let your face reveal your age

Whether some or all of these things happen, you realize that your body is no longer invincible, staying healthy can no longer be passive, and the amount of life left to live is becoming shorter and shorter.

You realize that all the stuff you used to think was so important when evaluating someone – how cool they are, how charismatic, how many times they went to Burning Man, how good looking, how rich… 

None of that matters.

What matters is someone who will hold your hand while you grieve your parent dying.

What matters is that they see you and love you for your essence, even when you develop a thyroid issue and gain weight from all the meds.

What matters is that they will advocate for you when you are in the hospital and cannot fight for yourself.

Invest in the people who are loyal, kind, generous, supportive and loving. The people who will genuinely be there for you even if/when the superficial qualities you’re valued for, fade.

And don’t forget to be in integrity with those values yourself.

I thought I had this grief thing mastered. I’ve helped people with their heartbreak for almost a decade. I’ve rewired my patterns. I know the tools. I’m even in a healthy relationship.

I thought I was all good.

But I’ve been dealing with a different type of heartache.

My father has been very ill. The deterioration is happening rapidly.

I’ve never gone through this kind of grief. If you’ve followed my work, you might know I’ve had a tumultuous relationship with him.

My story of my dad is that he’s the root of my anxious attachment, the reason why I spent my entire life hunting for love in all the wrong places.

But seeing him become so frail, and his livelihood dependent on me and my family, has neutralized that emotional charge I’ve had towards him.

When I’m helping him walk, eat, or advocating for him in a messy medical system – there is no past. I’m completely present. An instinct kicks in, and I am there just to help him live a little longer, as comfortable as possible.

It’s bittersweet, yet at the same time, beautiful.

As much as my heart aches, I feel like my capacity for love has expanded. I feel everything – which means the lows are really hard, but I also find the most awe and joy in the smallest things. Like noticing the intricate details of a tree. Basking in awe watching the sun set. Feeling profound gratitude – for all of it.

What I’ve learned through all my training and tools of dealing with matters of the heart – grief is nothing to be afraid of, or ashamed of. It humbles you, it grounds you, it expands your emotional range.

I can feel myself changing, growing and while I don’t know where this journey is going to take me, I know it’s significant.

So what does this mean for me now? I will be hosting the next Breakup Bootcamp this November, and this will be the last one for a while. I’m going to take some time to focus on writing and seeing what the next thing I want to put out into the world is.

With love,

Amy